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Tiger Woods, Rachel Uchitel wedding

We’re hearing that Tiger has his tail up between his booty cheeks because she’s going to Celebrity Rehab.

The National Enquirer has impressed us so far this year with their credibility and their on point sources, but after first glance this story seems pretty far-fetched. But then again, to we all know what kind of douchebag Tiger Woods is, so really could Tiger be doing the freak nasty with Rachel Uchitel again? Yeah, more than likely. Does he want to put a ring on it and produce babies after Ambien-infused sex fests? Ummm, maybe?

Here’s what the National Enquirer is saying:

Tiger woods is making plans to marry his #1 mistress, party girl Rachel Uchitel, and have a baby with her, sources say, but he’s furious that she’s shooting episodes of the reality TV show “Celebrity Rehab”!…

“When Rachel told him that she was going to do the show, Tiger went ballistic!” disclosed an insider.

“Rachel explained that she’d be paid $500,000 and could kick her pill habit at the same time. She knows she is seen as the woman who broke up Tiger’s marriage, and by doing the show she hopes to gain a sympathetic image by the time she marries him. But Tiger was living that she’d expose her addiction in such a public way.

“He’s embarrassed that the next Mrs. Tiger Woods will be known as a former drug addict, and he’s encouraged her to go into a private program. But he’s also worried that Dr. Drew will influence Rachel to leave him, and paint him as a loser who can’t be counted on in a serious relationship.”

Tiger in a serious relationship? That’s the best joke I’ve heard all week.

Tags: Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods

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Lindsay Lohan Morningside Recover Center resident

Lilo will be released from jail any day now, after her extremely harsh punishment by the California judicial system. The soon-to-be porn star actress will have 24 hours upon her release to hang with her family and friends. Now while that isn’t a whole hell of a lot of time to pop some pills and snuggle in her mama’s orange bosom, I am sure Lilo will be able to squeeze in an interview or two in that time frame.

We are hearing that Lilo will be checking her freckled bod into the Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach, California. RadarOnline.com is saying that Linds will get 24 hours to hang with family before she has to head straight to rehab.

So what do we know about Morningside? According its website, Morningside is an exclusive addiction and duel diagnosis facility, providing drug and alcohol rehab and mental health and dual diagnosis services. They specialize in alcohol and drug addiction problems coupled with mental illness such as depression and other co-occurring disorders.

Hello cell phone, bye bye Ambien.

Tags: Lindsay Lohan, Morningside Recovery Center

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“Spoke with Ellen DeGeneres tonight. I will miss her on ‘Idol’. She’s one of the kindest and most talented people in Hollywood!”

Ryan Seacrest, on news that Ellen Degeneres is done with American Idol

Tags: quote of the day, Ryan Seacrest

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In case you were wondering, Lindsay isn’t getting any extra phone calls, extra family visits or extra scoops of greasy potatoes on her plate during chow time. Heck, she doesn’t even get a damn pillow to lay her head on or so says Dina Lohan.

Dina is busy flapping her trap again (probably for money) and yes, it is still woe-is-Lindsay.

Dina told a source, “She doesn’t have cell phone privileges, that’s absurd. She doesn’t even have a pillow to sleep on. I talk to her through glass. There’s a phone and we put her on speaker but I can’t even hug my daughter. She’s treated like a common criminal.”

Ummm, she is in jail for a reason. Being in jail makes you a criminal. Duh.

But all things considered peeps inside the jail are treating Lilo with kindness.

“I have to say that the people inside have been pretty cool to her…the guards and the inmates.”

Dina adds, “We’re all so happy that this is finally coming to a close. When this first happened, we were all hysterical messes. But I’m so proud of Lindsay, she’s been so strong and positive, even under what I consider to be a extremely harsh punishment.”

Well unfortunately when Lilo gets out of jail she is going to go to the one place she’s been avoiding for years….rehab. Going without a pillow should be easy. Just wait until she is forced to be without her Ambien.

I have one acronym for Dina. STFU.

Tags: Dina Lohan

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